HOW THE GRINCH STOLE HINDUISM
February 6-7, 2001
Based on "How the Grinch stole Christmas" (not the movie) by
Grinch (pl) = Grand Rss-INspired Conspiracy against Hinduism
Note for any possible non-Indian readers: Hinduism is the dominant
religion in India. The RSS is the most dominant face of the Hindu
right-wing, which has been making distressing amounts of noise in
NOTE, October 2002: Since February 2002, I think this has become
incredibly more important for India. Basically, either the BJP and friends
should be voted out, or we're dead -- maybe not all of us, but
millions of us will be,
as happened in Europe in the first half of the 20th century.
NOTE, August 2003: Came across a good article by Swami Agnivesh making
the same point: the Hindutva crowd are the enemies from within, trying
to destroy Hinduism. I don't agree with everything he says (eg,
surely quoting Newton or Comte isn't wrong, only twisting their quotes
out of context to suit one's warped agenda is wrong; I'm sure the
Advanis and Modis could equally twist-quote the Gita or Vedas to suit their
ends. Devil quoting scripture, etc.) Nevertheless, a good read.
liked his neighbours a lot...
But the Grinch
who lived all over the land,
The Grinch hated Christians! The whole Muslim population!
Now, please don't ask why. It's a clear situation.
Muslims breed, they said, with four wives at a time.
And Christians were guilty of a bad, wicked crime.
They liked to convert low caste Hindus to Christianity.
How could a Hindu change religion? It's insanity!
whatever the reason,
the wives or the conversion,
Minorities aroused the Grinch's deepest aversion.
They'd detest the Christians. The Muslims they hated.
Sikhs, Jains, Buddhists were not worth being rated.
But that was not all; most people were Hindu.
And of course, the sour Grinchies would hate them all too!
"They're living peacefully!" they'd snarl with a sneer.
"They love all their neighbours, each day of the year!"
Then they'd growl, with their grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"We MUST find a way to thwart the peace that's coming!"
For, tomorrow, they knew...
...India's each boy and girl
Would wake bright and early to watch the flag unfurl
On Independence Day. Oh, the claps! Claps! Claps! Claps!
That's one thing they hated! The CLAPS! CLAPS! CLAPS! CLAPS!
Then they each, young and old, would distribute sweets,
They'd eat sweets! They'd eat sweets!
They'd eat SWEETS! SWEETS! SWEETS! SWEETS!
Each community would join in to share in the feast,
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!
they'd do what the Grinch liked least of all!
Every Indian in India, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, all smiling and bringing
Their hands together. And then they'd start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Whole-India-Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "We must stop this whole thing!
Why, for years and decades we've put up with it now!
We must disturb this awful harmony!
Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"We know just what to do!" the Grinch laughed in their throats.
And they made themselves saffron robes, shoes and coats.
And they chuckled, and clucked, "what a great Grinchy plan!
We'll look just like priests of the great Hindu clan!"
"All we need is a trishul..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since trishuls were scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop those old Grinch?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If we can't find those trishuls, we'll make them instead!"
So they got iron rods, and shaped each one's head
Into three prongs, and wiped them, and painted them red.
they took up these arms,
Converted a Toyota
To a bright yellow rath,
And sought out the voter.
They turned on the engine
And the rath started down
Towards the homes where Hindus
Lay a-snooze in their town.
"Arise and awake!" they called out. "You're asleep!
We're guarding your religion, your culture we'll keep!
Your faith is all fuzzy, without Ayatollah nor Pope,
With no leader in charge, well, you haven't a hope!
"Christians have their Vatican, the Muslims their Mecca,
But you're spread from Banaras till west up to Dwaraka!
When they read their Bibles or Korans in one voice,
Will the Vedas, Upanishads or Gita be your choice?
"You say there are many paths to the ultimate truth.
This is rubbish, to use an expression uncouth.
We'll show you the right path, the one true way,
So don't slip into decadence thus, day by day!
"Your many gods lead to this nonsense of plurality.
Your temple carvings are a disgrace to morality.
Your epics describe amorous scenes too explicitly.
So your modern youth, too, lives freely and illicitly.
"But have no fear, O Hindus! We, the Grinch, will save you!
Our Rath Yatra is not just a colourful revue.
No, we have your religion quite firmly in hand,
And will restore the glory of our ancient land!
"Your Lord will be Rama, your Mecca Ayodhya,
There's a mosque there now, but we already toldya
That we'll demolish it, and a temple we'll build,
And all dissenting voices will be completely stilled!
"The Ramayana is your Bible -- but what's that you said?
Valmiki's Rama was not divine, but human instead?
All right then, Tulsidas's version it will be.
But we believe in Ram's godhood, and faith is the key.
"Henceforth you won't dress in these scandalous garbs,
And all you men, cover up, like the wives of nawabs.
For the women, your faces are also taboo.
Temple sculptures will henceforth be fully clothed too.
"Celebrations for New Year are un-Hindu and evil.
Coke and Pepsi are part of a conspiracy medieval.
Music and dance are corrupting, there's no doubt.
Men and women won't mix, dating is RIGHT OUT.
"These be our commandments. The Taliban will envy
Our culture, and strive to be like us. And then we
Will go out and convert the whole world tomorrow.
Even Pope John Paul II our great ideas will borrow."
they looked around
and grinned in elation.
of the Hindu tradition.
"Now this nonsense of tolerance
must all end", they thought.
"Communities will argue, great fights will be fought".
The work was done well, this the Grinch didn't doubt.
And they watched. Will it work? We must wait to find out.